


Fire and Ice

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Depression, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 02:38:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15281742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A vent fic, but surprisingly well written.Basically, Connor's having another depressive episdoe.





	Fire and Ice

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags n stay safe!
> 
> Sorry if this is OOC. I've only ever heard the soundtrack, and this is mostly projection.

Connor sighed, feeling his chest cave as he heard the intro to the same song for the hundredth time that day.

_Filthy. Absolutely fucking gross._

He ran his tongue over his mouth, wondering how long it would take for his teeth to fall out. When was the last time he had brushed them? Yesterday? Thursday?

Fuck, he couldn't even remember what day it is.

Lazily, he scrolled through his phone, double-tapping on posts and watching videos three times before realizing what he'd done.

His room was almost as dirty as he was.

Clothes covered the floor. His desk was always on the verge of an avalanche, stacked with papers and various shit from months ago that he failed to throw away. Dust coated everything, and he was pretty sure his carpet changed colors because of all the fucking dirt.

Parts of his homework played hide-and-seek all over his room. His English homework grinned at him from his bookcase. On the floor was his Calculus packet.

_Math, the only thing he'd ever been good at._

His French glared at him from the bottom of the pile on his desk. And then, of course, there was the History project. Jesus, he had'nt even looked at it yet.

_Oh my god, you're such a goddamn failure. Who the fuck can't take a bath? Jesus Christ, no wonder Evan doesn't fucking love you. It's a miracle you haven't been kicked out yet. Imagine that - Connor Murphy, now a high school dropout! God, Larry would love to see that._

Connor squeezed his eyes shut. "Shut the fuck up, for once. Please."

The voice had gotten worse since school let out. Most of the time, school either made him angry or gave him an annoying, albeit needed, distraction.

Now, however, all he could feel was fear in the spaces between his ribs, growing and shrinking, manifesting in a million different ways.

_Afraid, afraid, afraid._

But of what, exactly? Failure? Being stuck with Larry? Graduating with his younger sister? Disappointing Evan? Hurting Cynthia even more?

 _Everything and nothing,_ he thought.

That's what he felt like, at least.

His body was ice, freezing alone in the dark blue water of his room. It started from his toes and spread, touching every nerve, turning his very blood to ice. Everything in him was cold and numb. He would've thought he was dead if he didn't see his chest rising and falling like the tide that threatened to choke him.

His mind, however, was another matter.

He felt like his brain was on fire, burning in a red hot blaze. His head was a constant state of emergency. The alarms gave him a headache. He wondered if the rest of the Tylenol would finally silence all the shit in his head.

His phone buzzed, sending a jolt of electricity through his icy veins.

 _Incoming call from Evan❤❤_ **(lmao you know I had to make Evan Connor's only soft spot)**

_Should I pick up?_

If he did, Evan would hear how messed up he was and come over all worried, and then he would  _really_ lose his shit.

On the other hand, if he didn't, Evan would be even more anxious then usual, and that was saying something.

When the phone was on it's next-to-last ring, Connor picked it up.

C: "What, Ev."

E: "Oh, uh, hey. I didn't think you would pick up, you know, because of the texts and stuff. S-sorry, was that passive-aggressive? I didn't want it to sound like that, I just meant, you know, that I didn't expect you to, uh-"

C: "I know you weren't being passive aggressive. What do you want, Ev?"

E: "W-well, Zoe seemed worried for you, y'know, because, well, she said you seemed worse than usual? L-Like you didn't leave your room much. She heard what sounded like you throwing things and crying, but when she checked on you, you kinda, um, threw something at the d-door?"

C: " _Zoe_ said that? Why the hell would she?"

E: "She cares about you, Connor. Why wouldn't she?"

C: "You wouldn't have time for the list."

E: "Actually-"

C: "Cut to the chase. What do you want?"

E: "To see you? I just missed you and, w-well, it would be nice to see you, since, you know, you're you, and all. Of course you d-don't have to, since this is so sudden, and I would never want you to see me if you don't want to, but I just, you know, miss you."

C:

E:

C:

E: "C-Connor?"

Connor cleared his throat.

C: "Yeah, Ev. You can come over."

E: "I'm kind of already here? Zoe called again and let me in."

C: "Wha- fine. See you."

Connor hung up before Evan could say goodbye.

A little while later, there was a knock on Connor's door.

"Connor?"

"Come in."

Evan took a step inside the room before looking around.

"Oh, honey."

Suddenly, Connor was painfully aware of how shitty his room looked. His trash can was overflowing. Crumpled pieces of paper and food wrappers were all over his floor. God, when was the last time he changed clothes? At least four days ago, maybe a week. Holy shit, did he really let Evan into his room looking like this?

C: "You sh-should probably go. It's a mess in here, and I'm sure you don't want to stay for very long, so-"

Connor was cut off by Evan coming to sit on his bed beside him.

E: "H-how long has it been?"

"I don't know, two weeks? Maybe a month?"

E: "So is it like the kind of sad where time slows?"

"Kind of, yeah. But also just - you know how you get so low that you feel numb?" Evan nodded, eyes full of empathy. "Like that, but all over. Except for my head. God, it feels like it's f-" Connor's voice cracked "-like it's fucking burning."

And then, for the first time in weeks, Connor started to cry.

Instantly, Evan moved forward and pulled Connor into a hug, rubbing his back and speaking to him reassuringly.

"Jesus, I'm a fucking mess. I can't get out of my room, I haven't started my homework yet, my room is an absolute shitshow, I look like shit, Cynthia's losing her goddamn mind over me, and Larry won't stop giving me shit. I get it, I'm a total fucking wreck. But Jesus, I don't need to be reminded by anyone but me."

E: "Honey, you've got the r-rest of your summer to do your work. Larry's a complete asshole, and I c-can help you clean your r-room."

"You shouldn't have to. God, why the fuck are you still with me? I can't do fucking anything right." Connor sobbed even harder.

E: "That's n-not true! You're amazing at math, and at playing the drums. Also, you're l-like the only person that can calm me down. Plus, you're s-super cute."

"That's bullshit, and you know it."

E: "I'm not k-kidding! The first t-time I saw you I ran into someone because I w-was so busy staring."

Connor made a noise somewhere between a cough and a laugh.

"I just- I'm fucking terrified, you know? I'm scared that I'll fuck it up with you, or with Zoe, or with school, and I'll be another dropout living in his parent's basement."

E: "T-To be fair, their basement is awesome."

Connor really did laugh that time.

E: "Besides, I kn-know that you won't fuck it up, and even if you do, you'd m-make it right. That's j-just who you are."

Connor felt a smile spread across his face for the first time in weeks.

"Thanks, Ev. I just- I love you, y'know?"

Evan's cheeks colored with a blush, and for once he was grateful that Connor couldn't see him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the fic! Feel free to leave a nice comment, constructive criticism, or kudos! It encourages me to continue writing


End file.
